(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
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Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.