[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…