Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I remember when things only cost an arm.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.