[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]