Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
#Caturday
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey