You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.