When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant