{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no