When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
this is how life feels
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Ugh but profoundly