[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
How your email finds me
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
selfie game
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it