Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.