BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My dog learned how to text
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it