The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
You had me at “define legal”.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise