My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.