When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Did my cat write this
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats