[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch