I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
You Might Also Like
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Bed should get ready for ME
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
The Friday File.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.