H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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I feel it
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
🤔😂😂
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*