Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me checking my bank balance online.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.