A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.