I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree