A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.