I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”