“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.