me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.