My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
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My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Simple enough.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Sticker placement is key.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My brain is a bad influence on me
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*