I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.