Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets