“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.