This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
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my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Fiction has to make sense.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.