“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Actually cracking up @ this
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.