My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Selfie
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.