Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
You Might Also Like
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray