Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.