*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Just got to our Airbnb!
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Pat is about to own someone
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Anime is real
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.