Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
how high up are we talkin’?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.