my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
This why you should mind your business
💯😂
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?