For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Not all heroes wear capes….
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
we’re dead?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3