Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords