My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk