The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine