every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.