would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.