Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.