exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Happy Caturday!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything