Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it