So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”