Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.