robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Smile they said.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
me doing my best
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.