I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR